September 2002 Archives
this past week ive taken up tourettes syndrome. but its been waning - now its only triggered by the ass-ness of certain family members [cough]dad[cough].
ive hardly stopped crying this week, unless to be quite upset at my father. and a few pissy moments towards my grandparents. i hate those three members of my family - but i have found how much i love my four brothers and their wives. and how much i loved my sister.
the funeral on friday was beautiful. and painful. i couldnt stop crying. or shaking. now i start a new life without melissa. my baby sister.
fuck. i dont want to.
What good's a dollar without your baby sister
Two scoops of ice cream on a summer afternoon
We ran wild and all we ever wanted
Was to rule the world between our house and the school
But we move on
And put those dreams away
Thinking that we'll find them
Come some rainy day
How could I know that everything would change
Except the way I miss you
Come some rainy day
I sit and laugh with friends
At what we've all been through
But I still catch my breath
When someone mentions you
But we move on
And put those dreams away
Baby I still miss you
Come some rainy day
dont expect me around for the next week.
tonight my baby sister was in a motorcycle accident down in minnesota.
she was killed.
dont expect me.
im leaving here in about a half hour.
beth, damon, and i are driving. well - ill probably be driving most of the way, but were all going together.
ill probably post once from my brothers house in anchorage. who knows.
to occupy my vast (heh) audience while im gone, another word association:
rules: first person posts the first word that comes to their mind from reading the word i put on the page. second person posts a word they associated with the first persons word. third person posts a word they associated with the second persons word. and so on and so on. we all live happily ever after.
it is snowing. right this moment.
on september 19. first snowfall.
time to get some studded tires...
my sister is flying off to minnesota saturday morning.
shes actually moving to minnesota.
do you know how far away minnesota is from alaska?
2409 miles. 3877 km. 2093 nautical miles*.
too far, thats what i say.
she is the last of my parents six children to move out. with her moving, and going so far away, is making me think about my childhood.
of the room that we once shared yet will share no longer. of the closet stuffed with our toys and clothes with its home made adjustible dowel rod that could be moved higher as we grew, now empty. of whispering a little too loudly after bedtime. of singing the bear song to her. of innocence and fun.
as long as she was still in our old room, i had this connection to my childhood. the lovely part of my childhood. before i became aware of imperfections in my parents. before i noticed my dads alcoholism. before my hatred of him and my frustration with my mother.
before i abruptly grew up.
but now with that room in the house vacant at last, the opportunity for me to ressurect my innocent childhood is gone.
its not as if i would see her more often if she stayed in alaska. it would just be so much easier if i wanted to make a visit on a whim. and phone calls will actually be cheaper because they are out of state.
but minnesota is so very far. and shes my little sister. and i cant be as protective if shes too far away, but i get to be just as (more, even) worried about her.
all of this thinking is causing me to cry - something i rarely do. and even then its controlled. but not this time. i found myself crying before i left work yesterday. it snuck up on me.
but i guarantee that i will be standing in the anchorage airport saturday morning at 5.30, desperately hugging my baby sis, and bawling.
arrrr, mateys. today be Talk Like A Pirate Day.
you best do it, lest ye be a scurrvy scoundrel.
i had no idea that there was a fetish about watching a woman pee* her pants. but there are a few urniation fetish sites out there.
(isnt google gonna have some fun with that post)
i was just attacked by raindrops.
ordinarily, that wouldnt be a spectacular thing. but this time it is.
because it was raining in my office.
took me a bit to find where it was coming from, but seconds after i finally stood on my rickety chair did i see two tiny water drops forming on the ceiling. they were hitting a shelf, then bouncing up, splitting into many smaller droplets, and crashing down onto my head.
when i retrieved a bowl to catch the water mid-drop, they retreated back into the ceiling.
to regroup and plan their next attack, no doubt.
my toes are fine this morning, thank you (cough).
having just awaken from a two hour nap, my head is pounding. and for some absurd reason, eight of my toenails feel as though someone has attempted to pull each one off with a pair of pliers. but only the little ones - my big toes feel fine.
i do not seem to find a connection from that to laceys (cough) incessant barking.
perhaps somebody broke into my apartment to torture my tootsies and the dog barked only once they fled.
im sure thats not it.
cough. cough-cough. cough.
almost 8.30 - i should really eat dinner.
im not feeling all that well, but at least currently i think my stomach could handle some food - it couldnt before the toenail agony or nap.
those antibiotics didnt do much good. at least my cough is a bit more productive. woo. breathing still hurts like heck, though not as much as my precious toenails.
have i ever (cough) mentioned how much i like (coughcough) my toes? my feet? (cough. coughcough) perhaps ill leave it for a time (cough) that i can speak properly.
bored at work? time for the monday mission.
Do you have a favorite piece of poetry or prose written by someone else? Care to share it?
i do. its a piece called 'sparkle and shine' by my long-time good friend warren. but i dont think i could share it without his permission (and besides, its on my computer at home). i do love selections from walt whitman's
In High School, did you enjoy creative writing? Do you currently do any other writing in addition to your Blog?
i hated it. in school creative writing always equaled writing fiction. im much happier writing a persuasive essay. currently i write down my dreams and a few letters and notes to the ones i love.
Have you ever noticed that the Blog entries you least expect to get the most comments do, and those you expect to generate a lot of feedback don't? Which Blog entry of yours surprised you by getting a lot of comments? Which one did you think would generate a lot but didn't?
i really didnt expect the last word association game to go on as long as it did. and i sure didnt expect jesse to be as into it as i was. and the recent entry receiving a big fat 0 on the comments where i expected a few was the one where i posted my mirror project submissions. the two posts are right next to each other, so i know people (jesse, at least) saw it. it was a big thing to me, posting self-portraits online.
Sometimes you get a chance to make a lifestyle change that has a huge impact on the course your life takes. That is, a moment where something became very clear to you, and that realization changed your life, such as: the need to leave a relationship, to stop an addiction, to bond with someone, to start a new career, and so on. Have you ever had an "awakening" moment in your life?
i remember the moment i knew i was not supposed to be a chemistry major or taking classes at the u. i was sitting in organic chem 2 listening to a lecture when i heard God say: "you should not be here." it was almost audible; i even looked around to see who said it.
Then there are other times where you can have a huge impact on someone else's life. You suggest they see a doctor, stop them from taking that last drink, or maybe just say some kind words at the moment. Have you made a lasting positive impact on the life of someone else?
i would like to think i have. i know ive helped moe through some rough times. but i cant think of any specific time that ive impacted someones life.
Are there any charities or organizations which you support? How did you come to be involved with them?
if 'support' means 'donate', then i donate to my home-church revival town. but i also give so much time and energy to it. and i work for a non-profit organization... does that count?
Hey cutie, what's up with this attitude?
does everyone need to urinate post-orgasm?
or is it just girls?
or is it just me?
i spent the day 'in charge' of some quality life classes for work.
decrypted, that means i sat at the greeting table and made sure the clients signed in as they arrived for the first class. after lunch, i told them class was starting again and they better get to their seats.
other than that, i sat. read. chewed my nails. couldnt get the laptop modem connected to a phone line - the only wall jack wasnt working properly. but i did type out a long dream. that took about an hour. maybe. time passed at an enormously slow rate.
after emerging from the basement, where the classes were taking place, i discovered that summer had returned. perhaps for the last time this year. and i missed it. very, very sad.
so now i get to cook dinner for us and a friend. i should get to doing that.
the game of alchemy.
i played it all lunch hour and would continue playing if not for that nasty four-letter word. work.
did i really just eat two (count em, 2) pieces of birthday cake before lunch?
yes, i do believe i did.
i ended up dreaming about a big fat ugly tarantula last night. crawling all over beths dad while he was in bed. and he didnt notice it was there. i watched in horror as it crawled up and down his body while he was reaching for a pad of paper; i was unable to tell b that it was there - no one saw it.
and its all your fault.
go hug somebody you love. or somebody you dont love.
give 'em a big sloppy kiss.
(this is all i am going to say about today or this day last year. and it is my only post for today. make love, not war.)
note to self:
when asked to help out with some big (huge, even) project that i have never done before, a project that will gobble up my entire saturday, ask if i will be running the
seminar project (aka in charge of the she-bang) all by myself and if there will be anyone at all to help me.
ask this before saying yes.
to all my coworkers, volunteers, and anyone who just might come into contact with me today:
do not ask me questions - it is most likely a stupid one.
do not be rude and interrupt while im talking to someone else - especially if i am being cordial at that moment.
do not sit/stand within hearing distance of me and complain loudly about any little computer problem you cannot figure out.
do not stand too close to me looking over my shoulder at anything not your business. or anything that is your business, for that matter.
i am liable to turn around, gouge out your eye with my purple uni-ball pen, knee you in the groin, and shove an ice pick into your temple.
and i will enjoy every minute of it.
any child of the late 70s / early 80s
would should remember and love cbs's saturday morning schoolhouse rock. classics such as Conjuncion Junction (whats my function...), Mother Room, and I'm Just a Bill often find themselves playing on the radio in my head.
what was your favorite song?
what to say...
happy monday morning. im not at work today - nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaah. but i have to work saturday.
the weekend consisted of a smashingly handsome husband, good thai food, and xXx, which was pleasently unlike any bond movie.
though my coughing and hacking surely disrupted the entire theater. and when i got up to go pee (coughing clenches those must-pee-now muscles), i ended up stepping on this guys foot, falling forward a bit, and landing my hand in his crotch.
damon, beth, and i also went shopping a bit. damon needed some new shirts and i needed a swimming suit. i ended up getting two tankini-esque tops at kmart (one red, one blue, each with a dark navy stripe down the sides), and then found great navy blue shorts at fred meyer - all for a total of $30. i think this is the most clothing i have ever worn to go swimming. oh well.
i need to find something to do with my time today. i have nothing planned, and its great. perhaps ill work some on my site... theres a new layout in the works and a possible switch to moveabletype. yay for my new host.
to get the weekend going, some friday flash/shock:
a rainbow in every teardrop. a good classic theme song.
planet prostate. a pre-ejaculatory biological tour.
this cough of mine? its a by-product of my sinus infection. so says doctor burrows. the real problem is all the junk and crap draining down the back of my throat. who would have thought that a few dirty rubber boots and old spare tires would make that much of a difference?
so im on huge horse-pill antibiotics. it takes about a liter of water to get one of them down. which will be good for me - flushes more stuff out of my body when i pee every 15 minutes.
ok - the transfer is complete to the new host, and greymatter works.
this had better be my last move. i hate moving. all those boxes and dusty things that you never really liked in the first place but you cant make yourself throw it away so you take it with you just so it can sit in a dusty cabinet somewhere and rot.
yes, i am switching hosts again.
i wouldnt have had to switch this time if i had known exactly what i wanted in a host and what questions to ask. but now i know. and ive got a great host. with a (seemingly) friendly support staff. i need to interact with support personnel who will not resort to name-calling.
i hope to have things up and running again shortly. as in a day or maybe two - not a month.
in the meantime, dont forget to water the plants.
How I Spent My Labor Day Weekend
a report in 250 words (or more)
i went to a wedding as someones girlfriend to make her old boyfriend (the brides brother, incidentally) jealous. it was my first time playing the role of a lesbian, and i think i did quite well. though i dont think he was too jealous. and i re-discovered a habit of mine: twirling my wedding band around with my thumb. its quite obvious when there is no ring on said finger. out of pure coincidence, i ended up pretty much sitting on beths lap twice.
i painted about 347 pieces of furniture in multiple coats of white paint and 2 pieces of furniture in off-white paint. i actually had a nightmare one night about running out of neither paint nor furniture needing to be painted. it was horrible. really. i never want to see white paint again. the valuable lesson learned: you should always always always use primer. otherwise your three painstaking coats of white paint rubs off with your fingernail.
i took three pills of prescription medication that did not belong to me. but oh, how i loved it.
with a bit of help i finished three more pillows.
i gave lacey a bath.
i did not get enough sleep. which isnt much different than any other weekend.
but i had a great time and we accomplished a lot at beths house - though not as much as we had wanted. thats why we get to finish our million and three projects tonight and the next night. I cant wait to be finished.
todays theme: pink.
Hi, I'm Valette
Hey that termination dust on the mountains looks much heavier than a dusting of snow. 45 hours ago
I received the loveliest box of Sorry-September's-So-Shitty goodies from @gjcharlet today! 47 hours ago
online shopping for pink sunglasses because I am not going to do anything else today, ngl 51 hours ago
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