rhapsodic.org

grieving and funerals

[edit: the last post was freaky-long and supa-boring. i condensed.]

to inform you, my faithful readers, as well as myself as to this whole grieving process, i did a cursory research. i had known that there were steps of grief, but i had assumed there was a specific order in which they were felt. the only times i had seen them, they were in a numbered list:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

but ive definitely been feeling a little of everything since last sunday. i wish i had known what to expect with this whole grieving process. "Your feelings and emotions after someone's death can profoundly affect how you relate to others and get through your daily routine."

this list of activities to help through grief may actually be helpful. it suggests a journal - maybe i should move mine off of my mail webloggish-journal page. im sure this isnt interesting to anyone but me.

if youre considering talking to me, or interacting with anyone who is suffering a loss, you should know what to do and dont say. definitely do not go into the 'everything will be a-ok' crap. ill bite off your head.

(did you know that there is a national museum of funeral history? tickets are $6 a head, but there are group rates available. shudder.)

in hindsight, i am very glad i went to her funeral. it definitely helped. i wouldnt have had any closure at all, and i would have been completely happy living in denial. but just prior and during i sure wanted to leave. im thankful that it was an open casket. her body looked like a really bad wax sculpture of herself. with gobs of makeup (she never did know how to put on foundation... but she didnt need it).

i took part in a few rituals at the funeral. and i dont think im done with them. nothing feels like enough to honor her.

damon and i stole some (3) orange road cones* from a road construction area; i snipped a lock of her hair and tied it with a ribbon; i burned the two cds that she had asked me for just the previous day and placed it in her casket; i wore a skirt to the funeral that i had bought for her in hawaii but decided i liked it too much to give it away; i pinned a black ribbon to my lapel; ive been wearing her class ring on my pinky; ive been wearing her necklace; i buried a few items that had special relevance to our relationship; i bought the last two copies of bio dome in fairbanks, placing one in her casket and one in my dvd player (i watched it, too).

these things are supposed to help me move on and get through my grief. but what if i dont want to move on? what if all i want to do is lie in bed, be depressed, and cry?
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* the week before she left for minnesota, melissa and some friends took a bunch of road cones and blocked off one (of two) major roads in homer. the cops stopped them and told them to 'dont do that.' she was very proud of herself and, i have to admit, it was very funny. the police report was in the same paper as her obituary. she would be very proud of damon and i.