things seem so pointless. eating,
October 1, 2002
things seem so pointless.
eating, waking, working.
pointless, pointless, pointless.
a terrible tradgedy has fallen - why should i be concerned that my toenails havent been painted in more than a month? or that the tub needs a good scrubbing? or that i have a webloggish-journal to update?
things are also seeming grossly unfair.
why do i get to watch that episode of seinfeld, and she doesnt? why do i get to wear her class ring and she doesnt? why do i get to mature into a fine adult with a wonderful husband and hyper dog and she doesnt? why do i get to have children and she doesnt? why do i get to breathe and she doesnt? why do i have to move on without her?
(my first day back at work is considerably less than productive).
2 Comments
any words of solace that i could provide, i know would be far from adequate. having lost several people in my lifetime, i know that even the best meaning words doesn't seem to help. i've not lost any really close family members, as you lost a sibling, and so i know that my measure of pain from loss does not even compare. but think of other things. perhaps this was meant to be, so that her spirit might come back as az's baby. perhaps God needed her for other things, greater things. but also remember, God did not take her away from you. carelessness did. whether it was on the part of the guy driving her motorcycle, or the person driving the car, it was a human mistake. God was there to take her hand and walk with her when she didn't need her body anymore. know that wherever she is, she is watching you, and wanting to see you heal. *giant hug*
(do not take personally)
fuck that! the entire week i was in homer, my mother pretty much used 'God's will has a purpose' as her mantra... her way to not let herself feel sad.
i am bound and determined to let my mind and body go through the entire grieving process.
(and no, im not mad at you. thanks for the kind words. [hug])