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how to get dirt for

how to get dirt for your flower boxes in thirty steps
by valette

• pull out from the storage shed the wooden boxes made by husbands strong and smooth hands: 5 minutes


• set boxes in front of apartment window: 2 minutes


• wonder if landlords might disapprove of their immense size: 15 seconds


• disregard concern of landlords: 2 seconds


• situate (by which i mean wiggle) until they are semi level and sitting as close to the ground as possible: 5 minutes


• expound upon husbands wonderful carpentry skills: 10 minutes


• find measuring tape: 5 minutes


• measure height, width, depth in inches: 2 minutes


• convert measurements to yards and multiply, thereby finding the cubic yardage of dirt required, with calculator: 30 seconds


• sleep: 7(ish) hours


• call different outdoors-y type stores, greenhouses, and dirt pits to price dirt: 10 minutes


• pick up brother and drive to home depot: 5 minutes


• find employee to explain why price quoted on phone is different than the one posted, only to not get an answer: 10 minutes


• do last minute cubic-yard-to-cubic-feet conversion in head: 30 seconds


• check out and get dirt home: 20 minutes


• realize last minute conversion in head was completely and utterly wrong: 4 hours


• recalculate: 30 seconds


• sleep: 9 hours


• back to home depot for two more bags of dirt: 30 minutes


• realize second calculation was completely and utterly wrong: 30 minutes


• figure out freaky engineer calculator: 7 minutes


• recalculate: 30 seconds


• realize third calculation was mucked up again: 45 minutes


• pull hair out and feel stupidstupidstupid with math: 40 minutes


• renounce ever loving math: 10 minutes


• wonder how they let you get through third level calculus: 5 minutes


• proclaim that impractical math is the only kind that makes sense: 3 minutes


• say 'screw it,' borrow brothers truck and get dirt from dirt pit: 30 min


• fill boxes: 15 minutes


• return bags of dirt to home depot: 15 minutes

total elapsed time: 3 days
total hair pulled from head: 15 handfuls