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i havent been depressed in

i havent been depressed in weeks.
and thats something i havent been able to say since before melissa died.

its great to have the energy to do laundry. or dishes. or drive to the store. or take the dog out to pee. tonight i did all those, and more.

it feels great to do, to be, to live.

ive known for quite some time that i have survived her death. the incident, the moment, is in the past. and i survived.

what i havent known, is how i was going to survive every day life without her. her death is in the past, but her absence is in the present as well as the future.

it now appears i am going to survive the present and future without her. and that seems neither right nor fair. she deserves more than 8 months of mourning and grief.

i want the tears to still flow freely.
i want to not enjoy life because she no longer has one to enjoy.
i want the pain to still be fresh.

most of all, i want my sister back.