when i do a search at amazon.com that returns no items, why would amazon.com suggest to me three related searches that also yield zero items?
also, why does the 'additional results that may be relevant to [my] search' link bring me to a book search?
so this is pretty much how the last seven ten days of my life has gone (notice three things missing from those entire ten days: [1] kiss my husband, [2] play with the dog, and [3] take pictures. i plan on doing all three tonight. may God have mercy on the person who gets in my way.):
i bought absolutely no socks today, but i did go out with a friend and b's sister (who came from anchorage to spend the holiday weekend with us) and braved the masses crazed with the Half Off All Socks Day sale. a few gifts, a few pair of undies i did not need, and enough cotton batting to fill up the trunk of my car.
we decided to round off the day with an evening in the chena hot springs.
thus began the Noble Quest For A Swimsuit.
we wandered through store after store while numerous sales girls shook their heads in grave determination: no swimsuits. we then thumbed through the phone book, taking rejection upon rejection until our very wills were broken.
what of the market for those who wish to do laps at the pool of a morning?
those who wish to go to the hot springs?
those who wish to join the local polar bear club?
those who wish to fly far far away to a place where snow is a myth?
what of that market?
denied. denied. denied. denied.
there were only two places that had swimwuits: the fitness club store and a specialty sports store. their racks were dirty and neglected, huddled into dark corners for safety.
but yes, we found one.
hallalujia, praise the man Jesus, we found one!
the earth is saved once again from the danger of spining off of its axis and into the nether reaches of the universe, where swimsuits wither and die from never seeing the sun again. sounds much like alaska.
apparently i am #1 in a google search for fascist anarchists.
i feel that my life is complete.
ive been swamped with the newsletter at work, so its been quiet around here.
and now i think betty crocker has ganged up with my kitchenaid mixer to kill the spirit of gluttony this thanksgiving holiday. either that, or i really cannot bake rolls for crap. my chanting, 'rise, damn you! rise!' just was not helping matters. so off i go to the great safeway in the sky to buy frozen rolls.
i am so ashamed.
you know im spending too much time online with this newfangled web-log stuff when, during a small discussion at the last staff meeting regarding what to put in the meeting minutes about how to properly write meeting minutes, i blurt out, "this is almost too meta, even for me!"
they all blinked in confusion.
"... nevermind."
flared pant legs.
layered tees.
bell sleeves.
pink striped mittens.
i feel like a walking gap ad today.
dont know if thats a good thing or bad.
looks like my brother is broked now, too.
sounds like his was more exciting as it involved blood. but then he always did know how to do things 100%.
1// gigantic workplace-sized trash bags should not be clear. seriously. they should be black. shudder.
2// 45mb files should not take 25 minutes to spool to the xerox only for me to find a typo and have to RESEND THE WHOLE THING. seriously. it should take .85 times the speed of light.
3// i should not have to stay late on a friday that i really really wanted to leave early. seriously. i should have printed this (october) newsletter months ago.
while i do love garlic, perhaps chopping three cloves first thing in the morning was not the best of choices.
the stuff will not come off my fingers. every time i bring the phone receiver to my face, i am surrounded by garlic smell.
at least i am protected from vampires.
note 1: after 20 minutes outside in 0°F, you probably do not want to grab that aluminum tripod with your bare hand.
note 2: if 20 minutes outside in 0°F is bad for a camera (and it probably is), then i will need a better solution for when it gets colder. because it will get colder.
remember my husbands broked back?
and how he was going back to work, Lord willing and the creek dont rise?
well the good Lord was not willing, and the creek did rise. he did not go to work, and indeed is still home from work.
he has been seeing a physical therapist who has been making him twist and pull and stretch that back until he sweats blood and cries uncle.
this is the man who picks up cars with his bare hands on the weekends for 'something to do'. the man who sports the sexiest of goatees and the sexiest of bass 1 voices. the man who is not opposed to occasionally allowing me to paint his toenails.
it takes a lot to make this man cry out in pain.
between physical therapist visits, he has been spending the majority of his time playing diablo 2 online, reading 3 books a day, and playing a wide assortment of xbox games. his work is like one huge xbox game library, its great.
and yesterday the physical therapist scolded him for not doing enough at home (havent i been saying that exact thing in those exact words for years now? but that is neither here nor there).
yard work was recommended, but really: there is only so many times you can push the same pile of snow around before your fingers fall off.
yesterday? he put away all of the dishes i had washed the night previous. by which i mean every single piece of flatware, glassware, and dishware that we own (yes, i am a bad wife and only do dishes once a month (you may think this is an exaggeration, but believe me: its true (seriously))).
and today? he called me from the store with some questions about which kind of tomatoes i prefer and where in the world he could find the frozen chicken breasts.
let me say that again: he was grocery shopping!
the boy that hate hate hates grocery shopping was at the store grocery shopping. and not only grocery shopping, but being very concerned that if he came home with the wrong tomatoes i would be disappointed.
i need to bake that therapist some cookies.
'whats with the huge burst of energy tonight?'
'what burst of energy?'
'the burst that had you doing the dishes. and now the... bucket of material that... holds historical... significance for us, otherwise known as... our records. or filing.'
'...
'that was awesome.'
all staff meeting minutes should include the following as an item for discussion:
Policies dealing with 'If you ain't got the moves don’t try to groove.'
[a] i accidentally tied my hair into my tennis shoe laces this morning and didnt realize it until i went to stand up.
[b] wouldnt it be great if the blinkers in my car changed speeds to match whatever song currently playing through my sound system?
[c] on the battleground of my head cold, the Mighty Mucous has overpowered His Highness The Sinus and taken over the throne.
it was complete anarchy for a while, but now it seems that my sinuses have come out as the Supreme Leader Of The Universe and is dishing out the orders. any poor soul to not move in a manner pleasing to His Highness The Sinus (snicker) will be drawn and quartered immediately.
blowing my nose changes the pressure in my sinuses such that the other nostril will begin leaking at an alarming rate.
its a conspiracy, i tell you.
the incredibles: most awesomest.
the humor, action, exploaiona were great, and the animation was fantastic. edna mode was definitely my favorite character. but, sadly, i missed the pizza planet truck.
to whoever turned my alarm off yesterday or last night:
not only did my dreams contain computerized versions of myslelf, vampires, and some wake-up-in-other-persons-body theme, but i woke up an hour past the time i should have been at work, the dog may have permanently damaged my bladder when she bounced on my belly, and my desk is looking more soft and fluffy and bed-like than it ever has before.
in short, you are an evil, evil person.
in a donated day planner, blank and unused but for a single page in the TO DO section, on which is written:
8/4
occupy the land
Wins: 5
Losses: 1
Ties: 1
Fifths: 73
The Nauyans hosted last night's game against the Pangean Neanderthals that ended in a 1-1 tie, seven black eyes, and uncounted missing teeth.
Each team scored a goal in the first ten minutes of the first period, then erupted into a 50 minute, full-team brawl that was more exciting than many of the games the fans have watched this season.
"It was a lot of fun," left winger Joe Keelut managed to sputter through blood-dripping jaws. "I can't wait to play them again."
After the final period buzzer sounded, both teams wiped their chins with their hands and went off on a whale hunting expedition. The Nanwalek team wanted to "show 'em how we do it in Alaska," according to Coach Kvasnikoff, who seemed uneasy at the thought of giving the two teams harpoons.
This game came after a 3-2 win against the Ottawa On-Going Work-Stoppages last week. The reporting staff was out whale hunting, and was unable to attend the game.
please please do not ever use these phrases in your writing: "for obvious reasons;" "it is painfully obvious that;" "obviously."
the reasons are only going to be obvious to three other people and perhaps your mother, leaving everyone else in the complete dark.
last week i went to this huge charity day sale at a local department store with a friend and fell in love with lucky brand jeans. i needed a different size, but couldnt find the style of jean that i was holding anywhere on the racks.
the sales lady was most unhelpful while she gabbed at length with a friend about how the job at said department store blows chunks and waved her hand in the vague direction of the racks and racks of denim.
having decided to get the incorrect size (too big! im the incredible shrinking woman!) after all, that decision was quickly revoked when i saw the register ring up $79. for the wrong size? i dont think so.
a quick search online revealed that not only were they boys jeans (hence my difficulty in finding them on the girls racks), but they could be found on sale at a few select stores at my choosing.
back to the department store to find the teeny section of lucky brand jeans in the mens section and determine that one size smaller would fit perfect in the BAM-her-ass-is-FINE way.
$79, you say? i found them online for half that, so no. thanks, but no.
that is why i love the internet.
for a young couple in their twenties who have no interest in anything political, having dinner with a newly elected city official who always has and always will be full of himself is perhaps the most tortuous ninety minutes ever imagined.
i took a ton of pictures for work this weekend at a work event, and got really good at asking people if i could take their picture - and making sure to ask a childs parents for their permission.
now looking back through them, i see that i took many pictures of the same girl at different parts of the event. why, i wonder?
also, while the swing-out digital display of my camera is awesome for taking pictures, most kids apparently want to look towards a human face when having their picture taken. i dont kow how many pictures i have of kids looking well above the frame because i was holding the camera at waist level.
but it was a great experience to help me get over my fear of photographing people.
its not every day that i get a comment from 'titty twister victim' that isnt spam.
23 years old, and i still have trouble pulling my coat sleeve over my mittens.
i think that is grounds for revoking my 'adult' status.
the day after the devils holiday, my new upstairs neighbors promptly removed all of their spooky decorations and i thought to myslef, "yay! the kind of neighbor that knows when to take their crap down!"
then today?
their christmas decorations went up.
thats right, i said christmas decorations.
i just do not understand people like that. the kind of people who celebrate the devil with blinking lights and then celebrate the baby jesus with blinking lights the first week of november.
and i find it kinda funny
i find it kinda sad
the dreams in which im dying
are the best ive ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
its a very very
mad world
Wins: 4
Losses: 1
Ties: 0
Fifths: 62
Nanwalek won a home game last night against the Washington Insiders.
"They didn't even care about what was going on with the elections," an Insider team member said. "Our country could be going to hell in a hand basket, but they played like it was just another day. They are barbarians."
While the Washington Insiders kept stealing glances at the television hoping to catch the latest on the political games, the Nauyans downed more whiskey and kept slamming that puck into the goal.
At one point in the game, left winger Seth Vasilii stripped off all of his clothes and proceeded to skate in circles around the Insiders. Shocked still by the sight of the naked Russian, the crowd stared in disbelief as the Insiders kept their eyes on the television.
Only after Vasilii tossed the puck into the flickering box, shattering the picture tube did the Insiders spring into action. Someone should have told them that no one can win a fight with a naked Russian.
"I don't even think they know that they lost that fight, let alone the game," Coach John Kvasnikoff muttered, shaking his head. "They need to get their priorities in order."
not one woman in my bible study group has hair longer than their shoulders. only one woman has hair that is resting atop her shoulders; everyone elses haircuts are quite short. which means that if i go to study with my 34" hair completely down, i will feel slightly freakish as they all ogle and wish to pet me.
right when i was ready to order some spiffy customized photo stamps for christmas, they stop taking orders. i didnt realize it was a market test.
rhapsodic.org is a weblog by Valette McLay.
Valette has lived in Alaska all of her life and loves the ocean, her miniature schnauzer Lacey, and being barefoot.
