Emotional detachment
I would never become emotional over a movie. Yes, of course I would laugh, but that was the extend of my emotional attachment.
I could watch someone walk through the killing fields of Cambodia while eating french fries, aliens turning into demons murder death kill and scoff at the cheesy background music, baby puppies be tortured an not drop a tear. I was cold. I was heartless. I had no problem with it.
"But Valette," you are thinking to yourself, "I have taken a grammar class or two in my life and notice that you are using the past tense. What's the dealio, yo?"
Indeed, my emotional detachment to movies is completely a thing of the past. Now? Now I flinch. I cry. I get nightmares. I get really ticked off and call the characters names. Bad names. Out loud.
And movies were just the beginning. I get emotionally involved in television shows. Sitcoms. Law & Order. Mr. Rogers. You name it, I have probably had an emotional outburst because of it. I cannot even count any more the number of books that I should not have finished because they left me with heaving sobs and a shroud of depression.
I could blame it on hormones, or reaching my tolerance level, or not living daily in a situation where I needed to control and guard my every response, but that would not be quite right.
No, it started when she died.
I identify with the characters and mirror my relationship with her every chance I get. The girl who died on screen? Melissa. The coach that had to helplessly watch her die? Me. The boy that imitated his older brother every chance he got? That was us. Torturing puppies is perhaps the biggest unjust thing that could ever possibly happen. She died at 18; how could that be just?
Every thing that goes wrong in this world of 'entertainment' only reminds me of the hole she left in my life. Reminds me of the years I have spent with a throat raw from crying. Reminds me of the amount of pain that life is capable of dealing. Reminds me that other people have already gone through it and even more will soon go through it.
And sometimes I cannot take it any more.
How much longer will I relate everything to her short life and premature death?
How much longer will I suffer through the grieving process?
How much longer will I need her?
2005
5 Love Notes
{Hugs}
I'm sorry hon, but this will go on forever, no matter how much we would like it to stop. It is a life changing - terrible - thing that happens. And only God knows why. Don't forget her or her impact on all of our lives.
Love you greatly and wish I could take the hurt away. Mom
it sucks. totally and completely sucks.
i think it only stops when you let go.
just my two cents. i don't even know the details so maybe i don't have any right leaving a comment but... *hugs* anyway.
Can't even begin to imagine what you've gone through, can't say for certain I'd be any different. The only thing I could equate it with is losing one of my children, and I don't really want to go there.
It always saddens me when I see that you're still hurting even though I don't know you. I'd love to be able to write some words that would comfort you, and it pisses me off when I find none.
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