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February 2006 Archives

I Love You For Your Brain

February 27, 2006

I dreamt about having sex with a zombie last night.

Hm.

Hm? That's all the reaction I get to sleeping with a zombie?

You've had weirder dreams.

It's just so creepy, sleeping with the undead.
Are you undead?

What?

I mean, if you were undead that would completely effect what we have going on here. I don't know if I could handle that.

I don't think I am undead.

If you were undead, would you tell me?

Not before I went for your sweet brains.

But that would pretty much tip me off.

You think Hallmark makes a card for that?

Respect

February 23, 2006

#1: ...and my friend from Arizona was all, 'I was in Alaska and didn't see any penguins! It was lame!'

#2: There are penguins in Alaska?

#1: That's what I told him: there aren't any penguins in Alaska.

#2: There aren't?

#1: Naw, penguins are at the south pole and polar bears are at the north pole. That's how it is, and that's what I told him.

The volunteers step out the door and I completely yell after them as they shut the door:

Me: Alaskan penguins are an endangered species and deserve your respect!

Obligatory

February 22, 2006

So, yeah.

This is the Why-I'm-Not-Blogging-Much post wherein I explain that my supervisor is in Jamaica (I know!) and just before she left she "cleaned" her office, by which I mean moved all of the piles from her desk to my desk.

And I might mention losing my credit card and dealing with the hassle of two insurance companies trying to get my car fixed as well as the rental car place so I don't have to bum rides everywhere. I would tell you how much I love driving B's truck with the sound system worth more than the truck itself, the sound system Beth doesn't much care for, saying, "Valette? I can't breathe."

I would then say that any innernet time is spent either trying to keep up with my feed reader and then frustratingly Marking All Read or flirting with strange men. The internet, it is full of perverts! Who knew!

And after explaining how busy I am and how I just want to fall into bed when I get home, too tired to for any meal that requires more effort than simmering all day in a crockpot, I would make vague promises about entries that are somewhat mulling about in my head. Like the one entry that managed to make it out of my brain and onto a piece of paper currently sitting under a stack of papers under my right elbow.

But I wouldn't subject anyone to such an entry.

Woo-Woo Jewelry

February 20, 2006

Vagina Earrings.

I am tempted to buy them for myself so I can wear them everywhere. I would love to see peoples' reactions as they leaned in really close, wondering what the cute but oddly-shaped pink beads hanging from my ear lobes were. And then, with their nose almost touching the earrings, I would shout: "Vaginas!"

That would so be worth the $9.

Call Me Miss Scarlet

February 20, 2006

I would highly recommend bringing a lead pipe when making a trip to the hardware store. Not only do none of the male employees hassle you because you are a female which automatically reduces your brain's capacity for harware-related functions, but all of the employees and other customers give you wide berth in the aisles.

"She's carrying a lead pipe. She must know what she is doing here. She must belong."

Also, I think it makes them a little afriad, seeing a woman carrying a lead pipe. A pipe with a slight curve at one end, making it look like she might have used it once already today.

I need to find a way to mount it on the wall above my computer: In Case Of Whoop Ass EMERGENCY.

Dented Valentine

February 14, 2006

My spiffy silver car has to have a giant KICK ME sign taped to it's back.

Someone hit it last night while it was sitting patiently for B and I at a restaurant. In the parking lot, just sitting and minding it's own business, and someone backed right into it. The woman didn't leave a note. No, instead, she came into the restaurant and tracked us down. And was very nice and apologetic about it. Yay!

Now that I am fully aware of the KICK ME sign, who put it there? More importantly: how do I get rid of it?

Or should I embrace it and get it emblazoned onto a peronalized license plate? Could my insurance company then refuse to cover me, claiming that I was "asking for it?"

But, hey! A Happy Tree Friends valentine just for you! Love and mush, and such!

I have been singing the Telephone Rag a la One Froggy Evening all day long and have only gotten rolled eyes in response. I am itching to give someone a singing valentine. Volunteers?

Presence

February 14, 2006

I dreamt about her last night. When I woke to my alarm I couldn't remember the scene, the plot, the characters, or any action involved in the dream. Only that she was there. And that is enough. It gives me comfort: knowing she was there.

Do you have to talk about this in my office?

February 13, 2006

Coworker 1: Your husband brought you red roses? How sweeeeet! And gross.

Coworker 1: I'm just jealous; I want someone to bring me roses.

Coworker 2: Don't worry, you will always have Ruben.

Coworker 1: Ruben Studdard? (Ed.--What?)

Coworker 2: No, the sandwich.

Coworker 1: I don't have to worry about my love life because I have food??

Coworker 2: Well, didn't you say that the Ruben was the newest love in your life?

Coworker 1: It's a sandwich! It's not even a man!


Coworker 1: I'm posting this to my blog. (Ed.--Not if I beat you.)

Impatience

February 10, 2006

It's above freezing again and the sun is reflecting off of the building next door and into my office. This makes me consider pulling B's bicycle out this weekend and do some riding. Which reminds me that I need to take mine in to replace the bent back wheel.

The bicycle! The great outdoors! Riding on snow and not needing survival gear! Moving my body and possibly losing weight! These are the things that make me happy.

But, seriously now, is winter over? How can that be?

4th Time Around

February 9, 2006

So JIM wants me to do this fours meme now that he is ex-Canadian. I don't know what kind of leverage that gives him, but I hear he has a very sexy voice and that makes me happy to oblige. Even though I have done the blasted thing one (and a half) times already.

To be contrary and different: One and A Half Things

Jobs I Have Never Had But Have Lied About Having So As To Make Myself Appear More Interesting:

  • One: Dog Musher. Non-Alaskans love hearing about my mushing team and how I survive in an igloo year-round.
  • And A Half: Crewman on a fishing boat. I mean, yes, technically I was being paid when seining with my family. But then, also, technically I was too young to legally have a job, and I probably spent more time reading and poking at jelly fish and finding pretty rocks for my mom than I did plunging or watching the purse line.

(Good grief, I am being long-winded on this thing.)

More...

John and His Mushrooms

February 7, 2006

Ah, 1974. Shortly after this photo was taken, John learned that there are better, more lucrative things to do with poisonous mushrooms (oh yes, we can play that game).

And just to round things out a bit, here is a family portrait from 1985.

There's Always the Weather

February 6, 2006

How 'bout them Steelers, eh? Heck of a...

Oh wait, I don't watch football. Only time I can be convinced to watch sports is if it a) is live and b) has someone playing whom I personally, even if only peripherally, know.

So. How 'bout that crazy weather? It's currently 19°F. Above zero. For those of you keeping track at home, that is a whopping 64° difference from twelve days ago when I got to stay home and hibernate.

I don't have to be plugging my car in. I don't have to be wearing my heavy parka or even zip up my jacket. I don't have to fear for my life at the prospect of a seven block walk. I don't even really have to be wearing shoes and socks, but I am.

Wait, why am I not wearing sandals again?

Addendum, 4pm: 34 frickin' degrees above zero. This is above freezing, people. It's this kind of weather that gives us eskimos* hope that winter will not continue forever, only another month or two.

*Caveat: While I am native to Alaska I am not an Alaskan Native. But that does not stop me from speaking for all eskimos, something I'm sure they appreciate.

Great Timing

February 5, 2006

Note to self: In the very middle of a Sunday morning sermon is perhaps the worst time to get a gushing bloody nose. Especially when one is sitting in the very front row right on the center aisle and wearing off-white corduroy pants with the cute butt flaps and an off-white sweater.

Know When To Hold 'Em

February 3, 2006

Dear Kelli and Rachael,

I am a bad friend. This is true, but you would already know this because I completely ditched you two after half-promising to consider this 10pm volleyball-hangout session where we do each others' hair and talk about what Bobby told Tracey to tell me about my parents being gone for the weekend.

But instead of seriously considering anything involving you two, I high-tailed it out of here with Beth and had serious adult conversations about sex and fist fights we had each participated in and how I would so totally punch my sister's ex-boyfriend in the jaw if I ever saw him again, and from what I remember about his tiny 16-year-old frame I could totally take him.

Still, this is the second week in a row I have ditched you two, fist fights or no. I would never choose to engage in a real fight with either of you: you are both too sweet and too fun and Kelli would totally kick my ass. I admit that freely and know when to cut my losses.

Valette

Murphy's Law

February 2, 2006

The camera will turn on properly and work just fine in my office. Will work just fine in the car.

Will work just fine, in fact, until I am standing in the middle of a field, knee-deep in the snow, at -20°F. Then, then the bloody thing will commence with an automatic emergency full-battery shutdown and not turn back on no matter how many times I lick the metal battery connectors or rub them on my increasingly frozen, denim-clad thighs.

Birthday Bow

February 1, 2006

The staff took me to lunch today for my birthday and promptly remembered why it is they do not venture into public with Valette. Photo taken by the lovely Rachael.

The bow seriously itches, by the way.

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Hi, I'm Valette

I'm a photographer based out of Anchorage, Alaska. I've recently become a wife, a stepmother, and a homeowner. Life is pretty awesome. You can email me anytime. Learn more...

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