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April 2006 Archives

You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

April 30, 2006

Things I Found Myself Yelling Across A Large Group of Adults and Children Tonight:

  • You boys need to hang on to your balls.
  • Boys! If you don't keep hold of your balls I will take them from you.
  • No. You can have your balls back at the end of the night.

I Might Consider Hating Computers

April 29, 2006

When will I ever learn to leave well enough alone and stop messing with the computer already?

Apparently the mere acts of mounting the new hard drive properly (rather than letting it balance precariously on the side of the open case) and putting the sides back on the case were enough to corrupt the registry. Whee!

This is exactly what I wanted to deal with at 11pm on a Saturday night.

I am Valette's raging bile duct.

Dancing Chubby Man

April 28, 2006

I have a video to share.
And, uh, it's on Myspace.

I know, I know, Myspace is teh Evil and I'm sorry.

But.
I couldn't find the movie on Google Video or YouTube or any of those popular video sites, and it's one of the few things that has made me laugh in the last couple of days.

Laughs are hard to come by this week.

You have to love someone who, no matter what their body type, has enough confidence to dance like this in their underwear in front of a video camera.

Not to mention the hours of practice it must have taken to perfect the choreography.

It's just beautiful, people, this Dancing Chubby Man.

This, THIS is why we have the internet.

Bad Attitude

April 27, 2006

Phrases Uttered By Coworkers, Friends, And Family Members That Are Likely To Cause The Clenching Of Valette's Jaw And Glaring Of Valette's Eyes (Or, Possibly, Valette's Attitude Is Just Quite Sour And Being Around People Is Not Helping):

"Well, you see, the vision of all of this is to..."
Do you know how much of my time this wastes? Just tell me what you need me to do and when you need it completed; I don't need to know the process you took to get to this visionary masterpiece.

"I need it as soon as possible."
Then it's just not possible, sorry. This is the flag that puts your emergency at the bottom of my to do list. Give me a specific time you need it or it won't get done.

"I just sent you an email, but..."
"Did you get my email? I just sent it."
If you were going to call me about it anyway, why send an email in the first place?

"I am just trying to think."
How does one try to think? Either one is thinking or one is not. This one gets to me much more than it ought.

"You're not busy, are you?"
Are you serious?

Put Back Together Again

April 26, 2006

Last night I caved in to the BIOS gods and excommunicated our new shiny SATA hard drive into Expensive Paperweight Status.

The newer IDE hard drive I just picked up at the geek store? Works great.

While I was getting the computer up and running again, the skies outside decided to snow. Yes, snow! Just in case we forgot that we live in Alaska! Almost May and it dropped below freezing last night; I guess I should just be thankful it didn't get below zero.

Now that the computer no longer has its entrails strewn across our apartment we can once again resume ignoring nature in favor of the internets. Thank goodness.

So, uh, anyone interested in a new 250 GB SATA hard drive? Barely used, great condition.

Wall of Monitors

April 25, 2006

Were anyone interested in having a wall of computer monitors fall on top of them -- a wall of ancient 15-inch monitors all labeled with sticky notes proclaiming such wisdom as, "BROKEN. 9/16/04," and, "RGB component fried. 1/7/03" (let us not stop to ponder why someone would save such monitors, let alone stack them haphazardly along one wall much like an orange display at the grocery store where if one is disturbed, even if only the one at the very top, the whole thing embarrassingly comes crashing down) -- were anyone planning on having a similar wall of monitors fall on top of them, let me just give one piece of advice:

Don't.
It's neither as awesome nor as fun as it might sound.

And, also: Ow.

Lost Opportunities

April 21, 2006

I had the opportunity to be up close and disturbingly intimate with a plastic vagina-slash-pelvis today, and the only thing I could think about was that I should have had my camera on me.

Next time, Internet. Next time.

And the Swearing Goes On

April 20, 2006

Operation Upgrade Home Computer is not going well. Not going well at all.

I'm at the point where I want to kick myself for not leaving well enough alone, but with 80 combined gigs we really were out of space and needed more; the most logical thing was to install a bigger drive.

Oh Logic, how you love snickering behind my back.

Instead of falling for a slick piece of hardware that promised to be "better" and "make life easier," I should have gone to a blood letter and pulled my fingernails from my skin with pliers while being set afire. That would have been less painful and less time consuming.

It would also make for better blogging.

Because now my old IDE boot drive has thrown a fit and how dare I replace it with a younger, blonder, celluloid-free model. No promises or flowers I give it will make it talk to the rest of my computer.

And the other drive, the old IDE non-boot drive, will only allow XP to install so far on it. But not far enough to actually boot into anything. Oh no, that would be giving in too easily. Instead what it should do is load XP halfway and then restart the computer. That is much handier, thanks.

I could: [a] throw the computer at the geeks in the geek store and withstand them pitying me and my lack of testosterone; [b] upgrade my mainboard (and CPU) (and power source) (and who knows what else) in hopes the new drive would work with the newer pieces; [c] sell the SATA drive on eBay and get myself a working IDE drive; or [d] fill it with potting soil and grow tomatoes--who really needs a computer at home anyway?

Missed It But For the Internet

April 18, 2006

I missed seeing my father on The Daily Show last night, but the internet never lets me down.

You can see the clip here (I couldn't get it to work in Firefox, but it's worth firing up Internet Explorer).

My dad makes a great entrance with the cane he obtained after his motorcycle accident, and his portion features a leather vest, angry eyebrows, and some stranger's kitchen. Seriously, where was this thing shot?

My BIOS Hates Me

April 18, 2006

Whoever thought it would be a great idea to plan four huge events within two weeks of each other should be shot. Or, alternatively, since that person signs my paychecks, glared at heavily. Because Valette is both Scatterbrained and Busy, neither of which make for very interesting writing.

As it is, I have been spending my days trying to keep three million and seven details tethered close to my to-do list and in some semblance of order.

And then I have been going home and wrestling with a new SATA drive and the BIOS options that appear to only exists if one is cool enough and sacrificed enough blood to the computer gods. They do not exist if one has breasts.

Which is Very Frustrating Indeed.

I swore at it all Saturday afternoon until I stopped swearing and commenced with the fuming and glaring, a side of Valette so frightening that it prompts husbands to do actual household chores and just leave her alone already.

It could have also had something to do with B's well-intentioned suggestions while leaning over the exposed computer innards after I had been working on it all day and he hadn't, suggestions and actions that prompted me to turn my glare towards his face and speak my first words to him in hours through clenched teeth: "Don't. Touch. Anything."

I had hoped to replace the two old drives with the one shiny new one, but since my BIOS refuses to recognize the SATA drive without an IDE one plugged in, I suppose I will just leave one IDE drive as the boot and the SATA as the data dump.

The plan tonight is one of surrender. I don't know how much longer we can survive at home with the glaring and the cursing. CMOS blue is not a good look on me.

The Easter Bonnet

April 14, 2006

1986.
Happy Easter.

Note to Self #72

April 13, 2006

Note to self: Though it may be sunny outside and comparatively 'warm,' and though you may have thick Alaskan blood and can withstand not wearing shoes or socks or a real and proper jacket, the temperatures are still hovering right around freezing and you should wear at least gloves with your vest while taking a lunch hour walk with your camera.

Berms and Brothers

April 11, 2006

I would have expected an insurance claims adjuster whathaveyou person to know common road terms.

You hit some, ah... what?
Some slush.
Slush? S-L-U-S-H?
Yes, some slush. You know, half snow, half water?
Um, right. And then where did you end up, again?
In a snow berm.
In a... burm?
A snow berm, yes.
B-U-R-M?
With an e. B-E-R-M.
Were you still on the road when you collided with this berm?
No, it's a snow berm.
And what, exactly, is a berm?
It must not snow much where you live.
Not really, no.

To take my mind off of the insurance deductible, let's play a game!

Which Brother of Valette's Art Thou?

  • Marty?
  • Damon?
  • John?
  • or Rodney (who doesn't have a blog or much concept of That Internet Thing and, as such, will not be able to defend himself)?
Update!
The baby boy is my brother Marty at 10 months. I just adore the dog's expression in the background.

Unexpected

April 10, 2006

The first question out of my gynecologist's mouth this morning, not the how-are-you-doing question because everyone knows that's not a real question to which anyone expects an answer, but the first real question she asked after settling down on her little round stool with the wheels was not related to any reason I was there.

The first thing she asked me was, "How is your website doing? Are you still blogging?"

I'm Home

April 9, 2006

It will always be humbling to have to ask the three cars you just passed at lightening speeds to pull you out of the snow berm.

Also related, the dog is not fond of the car spinning circles at 80mph.

Not that we would have any experience with either.

Cantwell

April 5, 2006

When I saw that the roads in Cantwell, aka The Bermuda Triangle, were bone dry, it should have been a huge tip off.

The roads in Cantwell are never clear of snow and/or ice. Even in the middle of July.

Instead of being suspicious, I counted it good luck and went on my merry way, stopping at the gas station there for potty breaks all around.

And promptly locked myself out of the car.

Bad news: It takes approximately 2.3 seconds for someone to break into my car. Handy knowledge.

Good news: The gas station had a slim jim and didn't charge me a cent to unlock my car.

Road Trip

April 5, 2006

All of the dishes are finally washed.
The trash is taken out.1
The fish are in no danger of starving.
The legs are silky smooth.
The new iPod is filled with music and a few videos.2
The dog's toys are trapped in her kennel by the door.
The dog knows Something is UP.

I had hoped for dry roads at least most of the way to Anchorage, but it snowed last night and is still snowing as I type. This just means the trip will be slower and longer than I would like.

Even though the channel comes in pretty fuzzy, the Alaskan Bush does get the intarweb and I can check up on you. Everyone behave while I'm gone.

--
1 Isn't this a boy job? Why didn't the boy do this before he left?
2 Anyone else have any trouble with converting .mov files to .mp4 with iTunes?3 The file works fine, but they are named all funky even if the filename is fine, and iTunes won't save any file information I change.
3 I'm not going to watch any movies while driving. No, not at all. I merely want a few movies for the 'Wow Valette Is So Cool I Want To Be Like Valette" factor4 with my family.
4 No one ever falls for this.

Old Crapness New Hawtness

April 4, 2006

I suppose that's what I get for asking the Internet, uh, anything.

My parents have a record player, 8-track player and radio combo in their basement hooked up to ugly stand speakers. They even have a cassette 8-track adapter to go with it. The speakers would make a groovy retro coffee table, but my father won't let me touch them because, "They still work! There's nothing wrong with them!"

True story.

Rachael: Oooh! Have you licked it yet?
Valette: No. It's no Nano, that's for sure. I'll probably lick it when I get it home, just to break it in.

Audience Participation

April 3, 2006

I and the dog will be driving to Homer on Wednesday to attend my uncle's memorial service. B will not be going with us because he is headed out to the boonies with some buddies and some alcohol for Arctic Man.

I expect to see him on the next Guys Gone Wild: Arctic Man Edition flashing his tasseled ta-tas while jumping snow machines over RVs. Or getting arrested by a coworker's trooper husband. A good time should be had by all.

Only, my iPod? It be dead and completely uncooperative in its deadness. And I have a ten hour drive ahead of me. And then I have to drive back north.

Dear Internet of my heart, my faithful audience of, ah, three, your opinion means a lot to me. Should I 1// rummage through my hundreds of CDs, selecting a handful that I will want to listen to on the trip, 2// bring all of my hundreds of CDs with me in the car, or 3// choke out the $400 for a new iPod?

(Hey, uh, Heidi? I do mean to call you, but, uh, this is so much more efficient. Can I and Lacey crash at your place Wednesday night? And then on the way back north too?)

I need to decide this very quickly, as I will be leaving town Wednesday, and new iPods and pawing through hundreds of CDs takes time. Time that I am quickly losing.

The Cake Is On Fire

April 1, 2006

Everyone go say happy birthday to my brother and oft-instigated partner in crime, Damon.

Additional Content

Hi, I'm Valette

I'm a photographer based out of Anchorage, Alaska. I've recently become a wife, a stepmother, and a homeowner. Life is pretty awesome. You can email me anytime. Learn more...

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