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May 2006 Archives

Sick

May 31, 2006

Someone has taken 60-grit sandpaper to my esophagus.

Then they injected into my skull, through my right ear, a leprechaun that has proceeded to chisel its way out with a bang-bang-banging of its hammer.

Then they clamped clothes pins onto my lymph nodes under my jaw, just for good measure.

And apparently they have removed my attention span, because I don't remember where this was going. So I am headed back to the couch with a blanket, the dog, some 7up and a bendy straw.

Long Lunches

May 30, 2006

It would seem that all of my storytelling has been used up on real and actual humans lately, humans who would roll eyes and tut-tut upon reading here the exact same story in the exact same words. Humans that demand original content.

And yet those are the same humans who have pointed things to say about my, ah, "relaxed" posting schedule around here lately.

To them I say: Pish! Posh!
Go enjoy some sunshine and kiss someone you love!
Take extra long lunches with giggling coworkers!

(This will only be funny if you know that Rachael is black.)
(Consequently, if you know that Rachael is black, this may be offensive.)
(But it is funny in its offensiveness.)
(Anyone else want to take a swing at this dead horse?)

Rachael: [to waitress] I'll have a huge and greasy cheese steak with extra grease. Oh, and a side of fat? Thanks.

Valette: [to waitress] I just want a dainty salad with no olives. Seriously, no olives.

Rachael: [glaring at Valette's dainty healthy decision] Do you have something against olives?

Valette: I just don't like them.

Rachael: What have olives ever done to you? Why do you hate the olives!?

Valette: [blinks] They're black.

Résumé By Committee

May 24, 2006

One of the requirements of a grant for which we are applying is proof that I know what I am doing and can run things with my eyes closed. Apparently a résumé is proof sufficient even though I can totally make the whole thing up.

I have been at my current job since the end of 2001 and, as a consequence, have not updated nor even glanced at my résumé in over four years.

When I pulled my old one out of my personnel file, it was embarrassingly out of date and screamed The Microsoft Clippy Guy Helped Me With This Please Hire Me kthxbye.

To put a positive vibe on it, it is a testament to all of the progress I have made in the last four years. Or something.

Hurriedly trying to update it to include the duties and the training I have had in the last four years with my current job, I hit a block.

How can I summarize my current job into less than two inches of an aesthetic résumé? What have I been doing here in the past four years?

Oh my God, seriously, what do I do here?

Which is when I solicited the advice of my fellow coworkers:

  • Proficient with the use of the word "No."
  • Surfs the internet with strong Google-foo.
  • Strong interpersonal skills through the use of lectures and pointy fingers.
  • Impressively knowledgeable with useless trivia, and what she does not know she can quickly locate (see "Google-foo" above).
  • Green thumb.
  • Has an ongoing verbal relationship with her stapler.
  • Can always locate the box of rubber bands.
  • Always carries an abundance of colored pens.
There you go, People With All The Money. I know where the rubber bands are, and I know how to use them.

Now you know why we need all the help we can get.

Unphotographable

May 20, 2006

This is a picture I did not take of a man sitting at a stop sign in a rusty moss green 1960-something Volkswagen bus covered in free love stickers at least five years older than me. The man is wearing a tie-dyed tshirt and a strip of cloth in his frizzy and dread locked caramel colored hair and is talking into a shiny black Razr cell phone.

Let's Just Pretend This Is Content

May 19, 2006

"She's not going to try and pass off another meme as actual content again, is she?"

Oh you bet she is.

1// What is the last thing you had to have repaired?

My vagina! You weren't expecting that now, were you? Ha ha! No, I will offer no explanation, only that the whole process is weirder than the most weird thing you can imagine. Seriously. Weird. Very.

But if we're talking item, as in something that I have paid money for prior to said repairs (because I did not pay money to get my vagina) (only other people have), it would have to be my car. Always my car.

2// If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?

Gosh. I hate spending money on myself. Could I put it towards a down payment on a house? Because, while technically "ours" it would be mine as well. No? How about... my student loan? Man, that is a lot of money to blow on just me.

Um. A camera! Yes, that is what I would buy. Something with "rebel" in its name. Something I could lick repeatedly.

For the charity I would choose the Muscular Dystrophy Association because that is what my niece has.

3// What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?

After an embarrassing amount of time being sucked into 80s music videos, I can honestly say they are all Solid Gold.

4// You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?

OMG the puppies. Always the puppies. But since there no pet stores with puppies in this town (Fairbanks? I disown you), the fishes. Probably a holdover from the only feed store in Homer having only fishes and maybe one or two rodents. And peep-peeping baby chicks in the spring.

5// On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?

I was going to give a negative number, but I think maybe forcing myself to ride my bicycle every day (which, I must confess, is not every day in a "daily" sense, but more every day in a "weekly" sense because hey! This is the tundra! I can still see my breath at 6.30 in the morning! Whose bright idea was that?), that might bring the number above zero.

But not far above zero because I spend most of the time wanting to lie down on the soft asphalt of the bike path and die, and I spend the rest of the time talking about dying. I am a wimp in the athletic department of life, and I fully embrace that.

I give this question a score of 0.25. Go team!

Monkey love

May 18, 2006

Hon, did you place those toys in a compromising position on purpose?

What toys?

...

Oh. Oh my God. No. That is not my doing. Wish it were, though. Lacey? Did you do that?

Monkey Love

Don't ask, don't tell.

I am

May 16, 2006

Nothing like a meme to help (hopefully) jump start some actual content!

I SAID: too much. As usual.

I WANT: decisions to be easier.

I WISH: I had a house of my own.

I HATE: the car directly in front of me in the "fast" turn lane. This lane is a privilege, not a right. You have to earn it, something you will never do judging by the speed you got off the line.

I MISS: my sister.

I FEAR: everyone will realize I am not as wonderful as they had been led to believe.

I HEAR: birds. Outside right now. Birds!

I WONDER: what will happen in three years.

I REGRET: believing my mainboard manual about its SATA hard drive compatibility. Hah!

I AM NOT: a superhero (common misconception).

I DANCE: not much.

I SING: a lot--in the car, cooking dinner, just not into a microphone.

I CRY: alone.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: as confident as I seem.

I MADE: pad thai the other night and it was fabulous.

I WRITE: letters longhand with colored pens.

I CONFUSE: rarely and at the oddest times.

I NEED: to move the chair at the second computer back because I can hardly see the screen, and I refuse to up the resolution. Or I need to replace the sound card in the second computer and then put the chair back.

I SHOULD: go take a bath.

I START: my morning bicycle rides tomorrow (yes! I do! I will!) since I can no longer see my breath at 7am.

I FINISH: every song or jingle that someone else starts and leaves hanging. I mean, how can you just leave it unfinished?

I TAG: (golly, who even does memes any more?) Lynne and Heidi

Open Letter

May 15, 2006

Dear Office Mates,

The creamy triple chocolate bunt cake with the chocolate frosting and curly chocolate shavings that, ah, "mysteriously" appeared in the kitchen Thursday morning (I mean, technically it was Wednesday night, but whatever) was supposed to be gone by the time I got back to work today. What kind of office can't eat three fourths of a chocolate cake?

Seriously, what gives?

A bit saner than last week,
Valette

I would prefer the flatulence

May 13, 2006

The dog. Just. Peed. On me.

Seriously?

Oh yes. I wouldn't joke about something like this.

She is all doped up on tranquilizers. She's just very... relaxed.

Usually that means she just farts a lot. She has never peed on me before.

Well, she is getting older.

She is not old enough for me to pity her peeing on me.


Later

Lacey really, really stinks.

What do you expect after pissing all over herself?

I kind of stink too.

I wonder why.

I can't believe she peed on me.

Shame and Blame

May 11, 2006

I could blame it on a lot of things.

Things like my iPod armband breaking. Or the sky deciding to rain on and off all day. Or my sit bones poking through the jiggly flesh of my butt. Or the cheapness of my bicycle. Or the disappearance of my helmet.

But really I cannot blame any of those things for the duration of my bicycle rides so far this week.

Because those things do not explain my inability to push my bicycle up the stairs after the rides. Nor do they explain the wobbliness of my legs.

What does explain it all is that my body is out of practice with this thing called Moving.

My body looks at me, does a horribly annoying eye roll, and asks, "What is this Moving thing of which you speak? And why doth thou expect me to partake in it?"

And then my legs fall off and my arms revolt and my lungs refuse to draw any more oxygen, leaving me in a pile of twitching goo as skinnier and more well-practiced bodies fly by me.

I can remember enjoying this Moving thing last summer.
That's what I need to focus on.

This is fun.
This is fun.
This will be fun.

A Blue Sky Holiday

May 10, 2006

As the list of Irrefutable Evidence That Valette is Officially Losing It got to be pretty long these past few weeks, including such items as "Non-sequitur exclamations of 'Informational Handouts!!'" and "We don't think the office equipment can take much more verbal abuse," I am taking tomorrow and Friday off from work as sanity days.

I have grand plans for my four-day weekend, plans involving my bicycle with its new tubes, plans involving my camera, plans involving sleeping, and plans involving not thinking about work.

I expect it to be most wonderful.

She sure cleans up real nice like, don't she?

May 9, 2006

A tally of last night:

  • Just-too-formal dress from thrift store which garnered more compliments than expected: $14.99
  • Underpinnings (low-backed with removable straps and garters removed): $5.80
    (which, by the way: HOLY COW)
  • Champagne-colored strappy sandals that nearly gave me blisters: $16.49
  • Time spent in the beautification process (including, but not limited to smoky eyelids and dangly corkscrew earrings): 1 hour
  • People who walked in wearing jeans and a t-shirt: At least 20, including the President of the Board of Directors
  • Total hours on the company clock: 15
  • Reminders that it was still only Monday: 5
  • Songs sung afterward that revolved around themes of "Thank The Good Lord It's Over" and "I Am Going Home And There Is Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me": 4

She sure cleans up real nice like, don't she?

Distraction

May 6, 2006

After working a 50 hour week of non-stop emergencies survived only by the grace of almond rocca mochas (don't dare forget that extra shot of espresso), it is imperative for one to not place one's bottle of Mountain Dew too close to the bottle of acetone.

It is possible that, upon being quite exhausted and distracted, one might grab the bottle of acetone (nail strengthening, mind), twirl off the cap, and place said bottle to one's lips.

And yet, giving credit once again to caffeinated beverages, it is a miracle none was ingested.

Because that would be bad.

What's In Your Makeup Bag?

May 4, 2006

Makeup Bag

What's in your makeup bag?

April?
Lynne?
Kiana?
Kate?
Heidi?

And boys: I don't want you feeling left out.
If you've got it, flaunt it.

Internet Love

May 3, 2006

Dear Innernet,

Do you want to come over for a sleepover this weekend?

We could braid each other's hair and debate whether Tommy or Joey has THE cutest forehead in the whole town.

We could tell scary stories after midnight while eating ice cream because my mom's freezer is always stocked with at least three different flavors.

And we could call every 7667 phone number and ask them if they knew their number spelled "poop."

If that isn't a big selling point, I don't know what is.

But you see, Innernet, I am hearting you in the biggest way tonight.

Not in that creepy obsessing why haven't you called me in the last fifteen minutes kind of way, but in the shoulder punching and in-jokes kind of way.

Because while my home computer is fried and I am beginning to scare coworkers and volunteers with all of the yelling at inanimate objects and talking to myself and angry eyebrows and giant absence of laughter, ya'll really stepped up to the plate with my demand for cheer and made my day a bit brighter.

High fives all around,
Valette

Cheering Up

May 2, 2006

I had this very long post composed in my head about feeling like an impostor as of late, about people's expectations of me and my apparent inability to live up to those expectations.

But as I sat down between giant projects to toss that post into typed words, I realized, gosh, this isn't nearly as interesting or funny as I wanted it to be. It's rather quite depressing.

Which is how I've been: uninteresting and unfunny and quite depressing. And those aren't really the qualities that I need to be sharing with everyone, dragging everyone down into them with me.

And so I ask of you a favor: could you post something to cheer me up? Maybe a cute picture, a funny video, even a knock-knock joke would suffice.

Don't fail me now, Innernet.

Additional Content

Hi, I'm Valette

I'm a photographer based out of Anchorage, Alaska. I've recently become a wife, a stepmother, and a homeowner. Life is pretty awesome. You can email me anytime. Learn more...

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