rhapsodic.org

Résumé By Committee

One of the requirements of a grant for which we are applying is proof that I know what I am doing and can run things with my eyes closed. Apparently a résumé is proof sufficient even though I can totally make the whole thing up.

I have been at my current job since the end of 2001 and, as a consequence, have not updated nor even glanced at my résumé in over four years.

When I pulled my old one out of my personnel file, it was embarrassingly out of date and screamed The Microsoft Clippy Guy Helped Me With This Please Hire Me kthxbye.

To put a positive vibe on it, it is a testament to all of the progress I have made in the last four years. Or something.

Hurriedly trying to update it to include the duties and the training I have had in the last four years with my current job, I hit a block.

How can I summarize my current job into less than two inches of an aesthetic résumé? What have I been doing here in the past four years?

Oh my God, seriously, what do I do here?

Which is when I solicited the advice of my fellow coworkers:

• Proficient with the use of the word "No."
• Surfs the internet with strong Google-foo.
• Strong interpersonal skills through the use of lectures and pointy fingers.
• Impressively knowledgeable with useless trivia, and what she does not know she can quickly locate (see "Google-foo" above).
• Green thumb.
• Has an ongoing verbal relationship with her stapler.
• Can always locate the box of rubber bands.
• Always carries an abundance of colored pens.

There you go, People With All The Money. I know where the rubber bands are, and I know how to use them.

Now you know why we need all the help we can get.