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Thin Mint Ice Cream

Step 1: Poll the internet to help decide what the base will be. Get some awful suggestions, ignore the internet, and choose chocolate.

Step 2: Choose a chocolate ice cream recipe, something not too rich to overpower the cookies:

1 oz unsweetened chocolate
¼ c unsweetened cocoa powder
1½ c milk
2 large eggs
¾ c sugar
1 c heavy cream
1t vanilla extract

Makes 1 quart

Step 3: Realize one quart of ice cream will not even last one sitting. Consider tripling the recipe, then remember how many jeans in the closet would cease to fit. Compromise and double the recipe.

Step 4: Melt the unsweetened chocolate in a double boiler over hot water. Gradually whisk in the cocoa and heat, stirring constantly until smooth. Realize that the shit is one giant clump that refuses to "whisk" or "stir" or "become smooth" even though there is still more than half of the cocoa to be added.

Step 5: Crack the eggs into a mixing bowl and whisk. Notice the instructions say "until light and fluffy." Whisk until wimpy arm muscles complain. Look longingly at KitchenAid mixer and think this is exactly why that mixer exists. Set up mixer and transfer eggs into its bowl, turn on and marvel at modern science whisking eggs light and fluffy.

Step 6: Reread the recipe: "The chocolate may 'sieze' or clump together. Don't worry, the milk will dissolve it." Worry. Reread the recipe. Again. Poke at the clump of clumpy un-smooth chocolate clumpness. Curse. Wonder aloud if Dryers still makes a thin mint ice cream.

Step 7: Whisk the sugar, a little at a time, into the fluffy fluffy eggs until completely blended. Pour in the cream and the vanilla, plus a little extra vanilla always, and whisk to blend.

Step 8: Continue adding the cocoa to the chocolate clumpness, mooshing everything together with a fork instead of trying to whisk clumps. Whisk in the milk a little at a time, heat until completely blended. Pretend that it's blending and everything is fine. Everything will be fine.

Step 9: Get distracted by Deal or No Deal. Don't take the deal! One more round! You can do it! Wander back to the stove and find the chocolate and milk kindasorta mixing together.

Step 10: Wonder how someone can work at Hotdog On a Stick for nine years without selling her soul. Continue whisking the clumpy chocolate-milk mixture until it's pretty much smooth(ish). Be amazed that the recipe was right.

Step 11: Notice the recipe calls for the chocolate to cool completely before combining it with the egg mixture. Completely ignore this, adding the hot chocolate in tiny amounts so as to not curdle the cream. Blend well.

Step 12: Notice the recipe calls for the mixture to be refrigerated until cold. What the crap? Did anyone even read this recipe before starting? Cover the bowl and place in refrigerator. Look at clock: 8:16pm. Cry that there will be no ice cream that night.

Step 13: THE NEXT DAY OH MY GOD put the mixture into an ancient and temperamental ice cream maker, and start the freezing process.

Step 14: Wonder how many cookies to add to the mixture. Pull out one bag of Girl Scout Thin Mints (half of a box), and pour cookies into a ziplock bag. Crush cookies with a rolling pin, leaving some large pieces.

Step 15: Stop temperamental ice cream maker a few minutes before completion, open up and add cookies. Try to restart machine but discover that the very edges of the ice cream have frozen so hard that the paddle won't turn properly. Scrape scrape scrape until it turns like it's supposed to. Hover over the machine until it's done.

Step 16: Leaving the ice and rock salt in the ice cream maker bucket, place entire thing on back porch to further firm up the ice cream. Lecture the dog about not getting into it.

Step 17: Eat with a garnish of Thin Mints because there weren't enough cookies in the ice cream. Consider buying more cookies from the dealers.

Step 18: Make happiness sounds.