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April 2007 Archives

How Was Your Morning?

April 27, 2007

6.30 - Turn off alarm.
6.52 - Ohh shit. Get out of bed.
6.53 - Let the dog out.
6.54 - C'mon, dog, pee faster.
6.55 - Shower: wash hair, brush teeth at lightning speed.
7.05 - Put in eyeballs.
7.06 - AAAAAAHH! Re-do one contact.
7.07 - Turn on bedroom light.
7.08 - Try to wake Steve. Believe I succeeded.
7.09 - Dog? Again? Really?
7.11 - Put on face.
7.14 - Getting prettified isn't going well.
7.15 - "Bark! Barkbarkbark!"
7.16 - Let the dog in, throw her a cookie.
7.17 - Fish cookie out from under fridge.
7.18 - Brush hair.
7.22.17 - Steve wanders into the bathroom.
7.22.19 - "Did you sleep in? What happened?"
7.22.36 - Grumble at him.
7.23 - Yay for knowing what I'm going to wear.
7.25 - Finish brushing, pulling back hair.
7.27 - He is not even dressed yet. "I'm getting there."
7.28 - Why is he on the computer?
7.29 - Grab jacket and heels, lock the dog in her kennel.
7.30 - Officially late.
7.31 - Now he's on my computer? What?
7.32 - Maybe I should offer to do that for him.
7.33 - Sit on couch and close eyes.
7.35.33 - "Are you okay?"
7.35.38 - "Muhwhah? Are you ready to go?"
7.35.45 - "You were sleeping."
7.35.48 - "Just dozing, sorry. But I'm ready."
7.35.49 - Stand up, grab purse.
7.35.51 - "Give me two more minutes."
7.36 - Sit on couch and close eyes.
7.37 - Walk to car.
7.37.03 - "Did you want me to take the bus?"
7.37.10 - "No."
7.37.25 - "Hey! We're only eight minutes late!"
7.37.27 - "Huh."
7.42 - Drop Steve off at work.
7.45 - Traffic. Hiss. Boo. Pain.
7.50 - Where did all of these people come from?
7.51.13 - I won't have to site at this light again.
7.51.24 - I won't.
7.51.47 - I can't.
7.52 - Dammit.
7.54 - I don't think 25 is the speed limit here, people.
8.03 - "Morning. You're late."

Keyless Teeth

April 23, 2007

If one carries a proximity card for entry and reentry of one's place or work, and one must carry it when moving around the internal office in order to open important doors, what is one to do with said key card when one is in a be-stalled lavatory and is in possession of approximately zero pockets?

Place it on the floor? On the counter near the sinks that are separated from the stalls by a wall and a door? Hold it in one's teeth? Try harder to manage buttons and zippers and elastic while holding the card and praying it does not fall into the water?

Maybe the better question to ask is how long would one have before confronted with the need to explain teeth marks in ones key card?

Best Laid Plans

April 22, 2007

On Wednesday? On Wednesday, I had a plan.

This plan included stuffing every waking moment of my weekend with Fun.

Fun that included a BBQ at the house of someone I am not related to. Fun that included cleaning out a table of poker-playing men. Fun that included going to a women's event thinger with Heidi.

And then later in the week, I added brunch with my oldest brother to the list of my Fun, and all was well in the world.

Birds were singing, snow was melting, rainbows, butterflies, unicorns.

Then the BBQ was canceled due to illness. The poker game was canceled due to no one able to make it (and people need to be there in order for me to walk away with all of their money, you see). My oldest brother postponed brunch until next weekend because he wouldn't be in town this weekend.

If it snows today, I just might cry.

I am so very ready for summer, though not in the hyperactive way of pets and children (speaking of, maybe your dogs could give some of their energy to mine, John?)

What a Hard Life

An Open Letter To My Miniature Schnauzer, Lacey

April 16, 2007

Dearest Sugarbutt,

I know that in the past I've been very strict with locking you in your kennel, but there were a few times that I had forgotten to actually lock its door and I came home eight hours later to find you still sleeping in it.

This led me to believe that maybe, at your stable age of five years, maybe you were ready for the responsibility of sleeping on the couch. Or on the bed. Or on the other couch. Or on the floor in a sun beam.

And it's been going well, don't you think? Sometimes you forget that there's even an entire apartment to roam, or a sheerly-curtained window to look out, or neighbors who have the darndest nerve to come home and leave again requiring you give them what-for. Sometimes you forget and sleep in your kennel all day, only emerging with bead-head and a yawn when I come home from work.

I'm glad you've enjoyed it, because that privilege?
Has been revoked.

Seriously, I don't know what your beef is. You've been so emo these last few months, so depressed and tearful and wuh-lah so sad for the spoiled puppy.

Has the springtime weather turned you into a teenager that yells and slam doors and screams about never having been born? Or was the new bone I bought you from the Fancy Pet Store yesterday filled with demons?

Because, honestly? I'd rather have a sad emo you-don't-understand-me dog than a raging wish-you-would-die-you-feeble-human demon dog.

Whatever has pissed you off, Little Princess, is of no consequence. From now on, you will be locked into your wee kennel for the entire day. No toys, no bones, no couches.

Maybe next time you'll think a little harder about urinating on the bed.

"Don't Forget Who's Alpha" Valette

Maybe It's A New Definition of Edible

April 15, 2007

Edible Pork Blood

I found the cable for my camera phone, you lucky, lucky Internet.

I Call It A "Laser"

April 15, 2007

I am highly disappointed to discover yesterday that laser car washes do not, in fact, use lasers.

I think this is a terrible bit of false advertising. If one claims to wash my car with lasers for the affordable price of $8 to $12, then one should actually wash my car with lasers, dammit.

On Being A Girl

April 14, 2007

I splurged recently and bought some skincare items; the amount of money I spent on three items could have fed a family of fifty in Somalia, but my skin is soft and smooth and wonderful and any Somalian children are welcome to come caress it.

Intense Moisturizing Cream.
I have dry skin. Uncontrollably itchy dry skin. Skin that would love to be slathered in Vaseline all day just so it would stop cracking in the harsh Fairbanks winters (note to skin: no longer in Fairbanks any more, so you can stop with the cracking!). But! This moisturizer! Is heaven! And it lasts a very long time, especially when you're looking at the price tag and thinking how many cans that would buy for the food bank.

Oil-Free Eye Makeup Remover.
In my quest to find good eye makeup remover, someone (Babs?) suggested this Mary Kay product. And since I was needing more moisturizer, and they give full refunds on products one doesn't like, I went for it. And it works really well! I'll have to see how long it lasts to see if it will be worth its price tag, but for now I like it.

Extra Emollient Night Cream.
This stuff? Is super bright pink and has some heavy-duty ingredients: petroleum, mineral oil, paraffin, beeswax, candelilla wax, carnuba wax. And red 17. I'm not sure why it's only supposed to be used at night, but my dry skin luuuuurves this stuff.

In other news, I've been all sorts of productive.

Winter's End - liner notes

I've got copies of my latest CD swap in the mail. It's filled with all sorts of indie songs no one has ever heard of, but I can't stop humming them. Anyone want a copy?

I've also got my federal tax return in the mail (Woo! Refund! Let's blow it all on Vegas!).

My Easter Summed Up In Four Photos

April 8, 2007


Orzo Salad


Easter Mocha

I Knew That

April 5, 2007

The guy sitting beside me? He knows all of the characters names by heart, plus all of the announcer's calls and the penalties and everything.

The characters?


You said "characters".


Just now, talking about the guy next to you.

I did not. Really?

This is not a play.

But it, uh, could be. A bad play where the heroes really sucked and lost the girl at the end.

It is not a play; we are not in a theatre. This is a hockey game.

Additional Content

Hi, I'm Valette

I'm a photographer based out of Anchorage, Alaska. I've recently become a wife, a stepmother, and a homeowner. Life is pretty awesome. You can email me anytime. Learn more...

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