Five Years
There have been a whole shit ton of changes in my life this past year. Big, huge, and scary changes. As I made each decision for one more piece of Different and Unknown, I wondered what Melissa would think of each one.
She wouldn't weigh the pros and the cons separately for long periods of time, like I did. That's just not who she was. She would have made the decisions quickly and harshly, like taking off a bandage, while I dragged my feet and pondered, working through every possible outcome.
I wonder if she would have even taken the time to listen to all of my concerns and worries, or if she would have told me to get over myself and make the damn decision already so we can go get some ice cream.
And I really needed that this past year: someone to tell me to get over myself and to just do what I needed to do.
I could have used a good hard punch to the arm. Breathless, suffocating laughter over a stupid inside joke that only got funnier over the years. Insistence that I suffer through an intolerably terrible movie. Extra chocolate sauce on my ice cream.
I could have used someone to talk me into something I'd never do, something fun and crazy and possibly illegal.
I miss having someone in my life who has my exact sense of humor. Who knows what I'm thinking by just a glance. Who tells me the truth in the same harsh, insensitive way that I do. Who knows when to look at me and giggle during a family dinner. Who remembers the time she bent my glasses and I threw a rock at her head. Who remembers the bedtime stories that could last for hours as long as Mom didn't catch us in one bed with the flashlight.
I miss my sister more than I ever thought I would, but I no longer carry the constant ache. It has been worn smooth by time, and I've learned to put it aside for long periods.
I imagine it will continue to get easier, but I still could have used her.
2007