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Adult Impostor

I had a meeting with this guy who showed up in a very nice striped tie that I wanted to rub with my thumb because it looked that soft.

I managed to keep myself from leaning across the table to fondle his tie while he showed me numerous papers with full-color pie graphs and bar charts splattered with percentages and acronyms. I needed to look like I was paying attention, nodding and mm-hmming at all the right spots, and rubbing his tie would shatter that illusion into, quite probably, some stunned silence.

There was no stunned silence, however, just a lot of head nodding and mm-hmming and comparing this chart to that chart, the number of colors on each chart, this percentage to that and see here? How this one is 0.023% lower? Mm-hmm.

Then there were a bunch of forms, sign there and there. Initial here, here, and here. Shake his hand, thanks so much, have a safe drive home.

And just like that, I'm the proud owner of a "diversified" retirement account.

It sounds all very adult-like, as will the reports look when I get them every quarter. If I look at them. Which I will, because that's what adults do, even if they don't understand it all.

And I will mm-hmm and nod my head and file it with my filing system in a folder marked "403b" and then when I am old I will have gobs of money for a handsome and toned pool boy of my very own.