This has not been a good mental health month for me.
It has been a month of desperately trying to get a handle on my mental health, to pressure it into submission with the help of lists. Lists are supposed to help everything, aren't they?
Mental Health Plan For The Weekend
Take Care Of Myself OMG
Things I Need To Do I Am So Serious
Just Finish One Thing
The problem with mental health lists is that the mental health gets in the way of them. The way mental health gets in the way of: getting out of bed; not eating more ice cream; putting on workout socks; not wearing pajamas to work; caring.
It's this aching at the base of my sternum when I'm sitting at my desk.
It's this tension in my shoulders and neck when I wake up, when I lie down.
It's this tingling in my arms and legs when I know they should be doing something, anything other than lying listlessly on the couch.
It's been a near constant presence that snuck upon me slowly so that I wasn't sure what it was, and I couldn't remember it ever not being there. The same way that Olive will sneak into my lap on the couch and my having no idea how or when that happened, but not as cute and snuggly.
Once I recognized something was there, I spent a few days of wondering What Is Going On With Me before I worked up the courage to mention it to Steve:
So I think that I may be possibly having some mental health thing going on?
I don't know what it is,
I don't know what to do about it,
I don't know if there is any way you can help,
I'm sorry this is affecting you.
It's hard to be this way, stuck in this hole this way. But as hard as it is to be in it, it's hard to pull myself up out of it.